Last night I went to a really cool workshop called “Networking for people who don’t like networking” with Tazeen Ahmad, famous by writing about introversion as power and working with introverted leaders. My lovely husband got me a voucher for The School of Life and this looked way too interesting to miss. And besides, I was never a big networker to start with and was curious to find out what could be done to improve that.
On the way there I was reading Ajahn Sucitto’s Parami on the tube — maybe my favourite book about meditation so far, which happens not to be about meditation at all. Each page is just precious and I keep reading it at a snail pace, allowing every single drop to sink in. Serendipitously, this time I came upon a chapter about metta — the Buddhist practice of loving kindness. It’s beautiful how that set a completely different stage for my experience of this whole evening filled with networking — a thing I would usually find a bit awkward and overwhelming.
The main issue for the mind is how it relates to what happens — Ajahn Succito writes. The mind sees the world and gets an idea that what it sees is “out there” and separate from it. Every act of perceiving the world through seeing / hearing / touching needs a subject — who is perceiving and an object — that what is being perceived. Out of this duality a sense of self and other arises. These are relative positions and depending on each other — a subject can’t exist without an object which is in contrast to it and an object needs a subject to experience it . But this is a functional distinction and not set in stone. The subject is still part of the world that it is seeing / hearing / touching and not out of it — we belong to the world and it belongs to us.
The problem is that we are basing our whole identity on this sense of self and other— ourselves as being distinct and independent from the world that we are a part of. And this creates a sense of separation and alienation.
Metta means softening this sense of separation. Practising loving kindness we look into the mind, moment by moment with an intention to gentle it out of the hold of aversion and anxiety — Ajahn Sucitto says. The sense of self and other can also provide ground for an intention to offer support. To give. And this is what connects us instead of separating us from others.
After reading about metta and spending this enriching evening with Tazeen, it finally made sense to me that networking could mean applying metta to professional relationships — connecting at a very human level.
Making contacts is about giving, offering yourself to others. It’s not about selling yourself and your skills, but offering genuine support — ‘What can I give you?’ instead of ‘What can I get from you?’ And this completely shifts the perspective — we are all playing for for the same team.
If you are shy, sensitive or an introvert there is a lot you can give to others as a great listener, for example. Instead of trying to approach people and win them over with your amazing professional skills and individual qualities, maybe you can simply be curious about people and eager to find out more about them and how you can help each other.
Every person has a unique story. Listening is an opportunity to be moved and inspired, to learn from others and ourselves — allowing stories to unfold.
The trick is shifting the focus from “myself” to a situation — not thinking how you can use it, but how you can make yourself useful in the given context.
Metta is about recognising otherness and feeling that it’s OK. Not being confronted by it. Not judging others or ourselves based on others. Cultivating a mind of goodwill, kindness and support.
This article was also published on Medium